I appear to have found myself at a point where not only am I happy and ok to talk about recent events, but I want to, I want to get everything off my chest, out in the open, so that there's finally an end to that chapter.
I'm not sure how this piece is going to pan out, and I don't think I'm going to ever read it back, but hopefully it might make you smile, it'll give you the reasons why my orders have been slower, why my order books have closed for a little while, and why I've needed lots of 'me' time, more than anything I hope that it'll help or inspire someone who's having a rough time of it, whether its right now or in ten years time.
I'll start at the beginning...
Once upon a time there was a slightly crazy girl who fell in love with an equally crazy boy. After a while they moved in together, and eventually the boy persuaded the girl that maybe, even though she'd never seen the point in getting married, having a wedding would cement everything. Along the way the girl decided that she couldn't imagine a life without him, that she'd do whatever it took, and follow him wherever he'd go, just to be happy. In a year they'd be married, ok, so the wedding wasn't going to be very weddingy but they'd be married nonetheless, and in two they'd probably have a kid, regardless of how scared this made the girl, the boy wanted them more than anything and the girl would do anything to make him happy.
Then one day it was all over. The boy had gone and the girl was on her own, in a house she hated, that was full of both the happiest and most awful memories.
After a good week of being a mess the girl realised she had to man up and start getting shit done!...
Sooo.... I'd easily spent a week crying, not eating, not sleeping and wandering about on autopilot looking horrendous. The best mate had given me a kick up the ass and I'd decided it was going to be all about me! Ok, so I was still going home and crying every night, and the mood swings were crazy even by my standards but I knew I had to get on with it! First up, I went shopping, stuff it, I was no longer saving for a wedding was I?! After that I blagged a couple of days off of work (bonus of all of those hours of TOIL I'd built up and said best mate being your supervisor!) I spent my long weekend pretty much on my own, so that I wouldn't have to talk about what was going on, so that nobody would ask how I was, I just shut myself away, watched whatever crap was on tv and ate junk food.
It was the best thing I could've done. Between the food, the sleep and the lack of sympathy I was starting to feel human. Then I had to cancel the wedding. That was hard. At one point I even googled how to! Thing is, there's loads of advice out there for booking one, but how the hell do you cancel it?! How do you tell the vicar, the suppliers, the lovely lady who's making your dream unwedding dress, the photographer who you'd become really friendly with... And then there's the telling family and friends... Truth is, you've just gotta get on with it! I cried, lots, I tried to type an email I could send to suppliers that weren't set in stone about twenty times before eventually just closing my eyes whilst my mouse hovered over the send button and just clicking it. Then I cried some more and necked a bottle of amaretto... It was silly really, I'd never really wanted it, I just wanted him to be happy, it was the most unwedding wedding ever!
Right, now to find somewhere to live. I looked at several flats, all of them were either awful, I couldn't have Barnaby bunny, or I couldn't afford them! When I thought I'd found one, they rang me the morning I was going to go in to pay the deposit to say that the landlord had changed his mind about a rabbit. Great! In the meantime I'd heard from my ex about his new flat, he wanted to know how much longer I needed as he was still paying his half of the house (I'm not slating him, he's been great with the financial stuff)... But I was stuck with no money for a deposit, with a house rabbit he'd bought me, and was quickly running out of time! I took a few days off of flat hunting... Then suddenly an amazing one appeared that seemed far too good to be true. Mum spotted it, I was having a break from flat hunting! It was right where I'd ideally live, under budget, bigger than anything else I'd seen, had an amazing bathroom, and was just perfect, I had to have it!
After booking a viewing for as soon as the agents got the keys, I got called into a meeting at work, still reeling from hopefully finding somewhere lovely to live.
Our team were being restructured. To cut a long story short, I either went for a new role on the same money that was clearly going to be a right bitch, or I was going to have to take a £5k pay cut... Or after almost eight years of doing a job I mostly loved, in a team I mostly loved, I could take voluntary redundancy. I took redundancy after a week of mulling things over.
I had no man, no where to live, and no job. Everything was different and terrifying, yet new and exciting.
The day before confirming my redundancy I went to see the flat, and fell in love instantly! I handed over my credit card there and then and paid the deposit. It was mine all mine!
Two weeks later, I was in my very own flat, and I was officially leaving my job. In the three weeks since moving out of our home and into my almost dream flat quite a lot's happened. I finally feel like me! I'm smiling subcontiously, this all feels like aaaaaages ago, when in reality this all happened only two months ago, and I've even managed to tell people about how cool my unwedding was going to be! I'm not saying its the healthiest way, but I've lost weight and look good for it, my skin's the best its been ever, and I'm being the right amount of selfish. I've been out for drinks with friends and bumped in to friends who haven't known about it all and I haven't cried about it! I feel not quite whole, but I'm happy with how I've come out the other side. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy my own company and just how independent I am. And strong. I'm really bloody strong. And optimistic, I'm genuinely excited about what's to come! I've booked a few days away (to Brighton, of course!) potentially maybe have a date set up (I'm not getting my hopes up, and I'm not sure I want anything out of it, but it'd be lovely to know that someone might like me, let alone think I'm hot, and yet just the thought of it terrifies me!) and am thinking up all the jobs I might like to do (ironically the only job I've ever wanted is a wedding planner! Work that one out!!)
I guess I'm trying to say that no matter what happens, no matter how many things are thrown at you, and no matter how many dreams are shattered, I will be fine. You'll be fine. Everything happens for a reason, and there's always other paths to wander up.... And you never know who you might meet on the way.
Thanks for coming along for the ride
Love
Ms Bee
xxx
